Developing Intimacy

Last weekend (June 8/9), we opened up a conversation around sex. And, I hoped to lay the groundwork for people to pursue further conversations around our Main Point: Sex is good, sex is connecting, and sex is about intimacy.

One thing I didn’t dive deeply into is how to practically develop intimacy, especially in a marriage. I think this is an area we so often struggle with, because it’s something we aren’t often taught.

For Krista and me, I remember a time in our marriage when we really struggled with developing closeness. It’s not that we didn’t love each other deeply. Instead, it was more often about the ways we tried to show our love that the other person didn’t see. So, we did one simple and little exercise that helped us to grow in developing intimacy and closeness in our marriage. And, I thought it was worth sharing.

The idea is simple:

  1. Write down FIVE ideas that your spouse can do to develop intimacy with you. AND…
  2. Write down FIVE ideas that you think you can do to develop intimacy with your spouse.

Take time and actually do this. Write it out, and then talk it through. Because, in the end, what you will hopefully find is TEN ways or actions that will show your spouse that you love them.

Some of the things Krista wrote really surprised me. One was that she felt closer to me when I did the dishes. I never would have thought that would have drawn us closer, but it did. For her, she realized that for me to feel close to her, she just needs to say things she appreciates about me.

Simple things, but it’s these simple things that connected us, which is the point.

I share this with you to encourage you to actually do this together to help draw you closer together. Because, the beautiful thing is, after doing this small exercise, you will know how to show your spouse that you love them. And, that’s the point – that they know and feel loved.

So, take some time to write out some ideas. Maybe it’s drawing a bath, putting the kids to bed, cleaning the house, sending a loving text, buying flowers, sharing reasons why you love them, cooking a meal, surprising them with lunch at work. I don’t know what it might be for you in your relationship, but I think it’s worth finding out and, most of all, acting on.